Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What a Long, Strange Tour It's Been

Some random musings from the Tour de France ...

They're going to make a movie about Denis Menchov. He will be played by Arte Johnson.

If they're going to have a white jersey for the best young rider (under 26), then they should have a black jersey for the best old rider (over 36). Lance would have that locked up, and it would force George Hincapie to come back next year.

They're going to make a movie about George Hincapie talking about losing stage 14. He will be played by Joe Piscopo, using his Doug Whiner voice. Joe and George even have the same hair.

While I'm being "wrong" like this, I gotta ask: Am I not the only one who kind of wants Alberto Contador to have just a minor crash, or maybe just bonk big-time, so that Lance slips into yellow on top of the Mont Ventoux? Be honest, now.

They made a movie about Fabian Cancellera back in 1984. In that movie, the peloton, played by Linda Hamilton and Michael Biehn, kept dropping Mr. Fabulous, but he would keep chugging along up the climbs and descending like a mad man, so that in the next scene he would show up and attack.

How is it that Andy Schleck can be my height, come from a country known for exceptional chocolates, and weigh 35 pounds less than I do? It's not fair! Oh, wow ... I sound like George Hincapie now.

After watching Versus for three weeks, I am wondering if there is such a thing as "un-natural male enhancement?" Is there female enhancement -- natural or un-natural -- and why don't they sell that on Versus? They seem to be trying to sell Cadillacs driven by women.

Craig Hummer is grating on me a little less this year, kind of like Al Trautwig grew on me before Craig came along. As he becomes less irritating, Craig will be replaced next year by an un-naturally enhanced female -- maybe Kristanna Loken as T-X from the third Fabian Cancellera movie. She will kill Bob Roll during the start of the show for the second stage -- stabbing him in the brain right thru the gap in his teeth -- and Phil and Paul will become her bitches, and will pick Yauheni Hutarovich and Niki Terpstra to win each stage from there on. Then she and Fabian will have a huge battle to save the Earth.

Is it just me, or does it seem as if this year has had more breakaways that stay, with some kid winning who either starts crying or gets so crazy that he forgets to zip up his jersey?

Not that I'm complaining, but you gotta wonder who's scripting this stuff.

Ah ... James Cameron.


  1. Your beginning to write with a tone a lot like Andy Rooney. Next your eyebrows will begin to grow out of control.

  2. My gardener regularly prunes them, else they would become long and luscious, and I would be constantly barraged by requests from L'Oreal to do commercials. Frankly, I'm not worth it.