A Perfectly Good Waste of Time

Today was the sixth straight day of coming in to the office by car. I could've biked in -- it was almost 50 degrees out this morning and dry -- but was deterred by the 20 mph winds and prospect of steadily declining temperatures all day as a cold front moves in.

I'm a wimp.

Since I've been riding less, however, I've been reading more. Reading leads to ideas, which can be very dangerous things in simple minds (like mine) that are ill-prepared to handle them. Here are some of the stupid thoughts that have wandered forlorn across the barren landscape of my non-riding consciousness -- a mental image that conjures up thoughts of Ed, Edd, and Eddy trying to find Thunderdome, or maybe Cormac McCarthy's "The Road," starring Beavis and Butthead.

1. A cartoon version of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome could actually work, and Ed Edd n Eddy as comic relief would not hurt. In the season finale, Ed, Edd, and Eddy have to battle in Thunderdome. Three go in ... one comes out. It could only be an improvement.


2. In the spirit of fair play, somebody needs to talk to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. American jurors are normally very fair-minded, and I am certain that they will listen carefully to all of the facts presented at his trial before finding him guilty, guilty, guilty, and decree that he must be hung by the neck until he is deader than hell, and even offer to "string him up right here and now" before the judge tells them that they don't get to do that. In which case they may pout. But my point (if indeed I have one) is that Khalid (do you mind if I call you Khalid? not that I know how to pronounce it) might have a chance if somebody would explain to him the concept of "manscaping." I mean, really? This guy is a freaking hair farm. A good barber, lots of hot wax, and a few hours on a treadmill and he could walk into the courtroom looking like this.
   And do I have to point out that this dude used to have a license to kill? American juries would probably still find Khalid guilty ... although they might not if he also hires a dialog coach and can get Pierce Brosnan's accent right ... but they would merely sentence him to a three-season contract doing "Remington Steele" on ABC. And everybody knows that ABC is synonymous with Hell ... at least until "Lost" comes back. NOTE: As of press time, Stephanie Zimbalist could not be reached for comment. Her dad is either undercover with the FBI, or doing the voice for Batman's butler.
   


3. The guy who "invented" Twitter, Jack Dorsey, has announced his Next Big Thing will be a device that lets people make credit card payments using the iPhone or iPod. Wow. That's just what I need. It's always been so much trouble for me to make a credit card payment by actually pulling out a credit card and swiping it through the reader at Publix (where shopping actually is a pleasure ... I'm serious). Of course, I'm not sufficiently narcissistic to "tweat" anyway (I'm barely narcissistic enough to blog), so I'm probably not in Dorsey's target demographic.


4. I do seem to be in Rivendell Bicycle Works's target demographic. They've been sending me e-mails pushing certain products, and then mentioning that they will not be laying off employees in spite of the current economic downturn. While I generally like Rivendell's stuff, particularly their bags, promotional material like this bears the faintly sour aroma of desperation, a la "Buy this bike now, or the kitten dies."


5. Have people in cars always been this cranky, or is it just the season? Since I've been commuting in a car lately, I've been on the more traveled thoroughfares, and the people there are freakin' nuts! Maybe they're just feeling the time crunch of holiday shopping and stuff, but this is no way to get on Santa's "good" list.

That's about all the thoughts that I've had, or at least all that could survive on the marrow of desiccated bones and moldy bits in the bottoms of old cat-food cans that litter the drifting dunes of my post-apocalyptic mind. I'm hoping to ride a permanent Sunday, maybe even on the single-speed, and perhaps that will force my brain to change course to a less introspective mode. I'm just not equipped for deep thought.