Friday, May 14, 2010

Cry havoc and let slip the quads of war!

Max Watzz here. I put RandoBoy out of my misery for a minute because I know that you've all been dying to hear about my training and racing. And I would love to tell you about the inhuman numbers I've been putting out lately on the PowerTap ... but I don't want to give the other camp any kind of competitive advantage. Let's just say that I have lately become -- if you can possibly imagine -- even more awesome.

Sometimes I wonder if my awesomeness will ever reach a limit. This thought almost scares me (if I were capable of such a weakness as "fear"). I do not like to think that I could reach a point where I could not become greater than the incredible awesomeness that I already am ... which, if I haven't told you, is totally freaking awesome.

But that day is far away, because I am still constantly becoming more awesome every day. I work out, and I become stronger. I rest, and my wonderful body reacts to my earlier workout and I become stronger. It is a ceaseless spiral climbing ever upwards into the pinnacle of most awesome of awesomeness ever!

I sigh. And when I do, I become stronger.

I have yet to lose a race, you know. Of course, I have only signed up for one so far -- the Gatorade Criterium in Brentwood -- and it was rained out by the flooding on May 2, but I feel quite sure that I would have won it. Mother Nature has a strange way of keeping my competitors from being smashed by the power that is Me, and I almost feel a little guilty that she felt it necessary to kill people here in Tennessee and do billions of dollars of damage just to salvage the egos of the other racers.

I think you went a little far there, Mom.

Irregardless, you will no doubt be excited beyond words when I tell you that I will be racing this Saturday, doing the Highland Rim in McMinnville.

I invite you all to come out and witness the power that is me. Incredibly enough, there is no charge for this event, although many of you will no doubt want to give me money after watching me ride. In order to maintain my amateur status, however, I must decline your offerings (cash left lying around the van will, of course, be picked up ... wink-wink).

Barring some additional insidious interventions from Mother Nature or other forces of villainy, expect pictures of me on the podium in VeloNews on Sunday. I will also bless you with a riveting write-up of my awesome performance on Monday. Until then, I hope that you can fill your lives with ... well, whatever it is that you people do when I am not around to bring meaning to your existence.


  1. Dear Max,

    I have been semi-secretly following the blog you share with that Randoboy fellow, and I feel that I must tell you I feel totally swept away by your awesomeness. Unfortunately, I live too far away to come watch your race. However, I am quite certain that when you obliterate your foes, the shock-wave of awesomeness will radiate as far as Louisville.

    When it gets here, where should we send our checks? ;)

    (In other words, this entry is really quite funny, and your blog is awesome. And good luck!]

  2. I thank you, Kokorozashi. Not enough people truly appreciate the other-worldly awesomeness that is me. You are fortunate to live within the blast radius of my awesomeness.


  3. No results are posted. How awesome were you??

  4. Vida:

    It took them a while to fathom the awesomeness of Max, but he was 11th. Not a bad first outing.