Ten Ways This Year's Tour de France Could Have Been Better

1. Following Stage 17, Alberto Contador gives Andy Schleck a little "love slap." Schleck responds with a right cross that shatters Contador's jaw. "It was my Luxembourg Army training," Andy says afterwards. "We are known for our killer instinct."
   
   
   
   
   
   Officials do not penalize either rider for the incident. "It was tit for tat, as they say," comments Bernard Hinault. "Like punching out a protester blocking the road or throwing somebody off the stage."
   
   Contador, with his jaws wired shut, can only breath through his nose for the final three stages. Fortunately, by wearing a custom-made Breathe Rite strip, he is able to expand his nostrils sufficient to supply his lungs during the Stage 19 time trial, and still manages to win the Tour. Unfortunately, the sound of the wind howling over his freak-show-huge stretched nostrils permanently impair his hearing, and he never races again.
   
   In true champion fashion, however, Contador launches a foundation dedicated to bringing awareness to the hearing impaired -- ListenStrong. Unlike some people for whom Contador "never had any respect," he does not later return to racing, but focuses on his philanthropic activities, thus changing the lives of millions.
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Fabian Cancellera does exactly what he did every freaking day of the Tour. You cannot improve on perfection.
   
   
3. Lance Armstrong puts Ruffy Tuffy clinchers on his bike for Stage 3. Not only does he not flat, he finds a Zen kind of peace and comfort on the ride, and uses them for the rest of the Tour. Afterwards, he takes up touring on a Surly Long-Haul Trucker, criss-crossing the country like Forrest Gump for seven years. Then he goes home.
   
   
4. The spectators who insist on waving crap in the faces of the riders, splashing them with fluids of dubious sanitation, and running naked up the Tourmalet, come to the realization that they are idiots, and stop doing this. "I just saw myself on TV and realized what a tool I was," says one of the spectators. "When it stops being about the sporting event and starts being all about you ... well, then you're just being a jerk."
   
   
5. Mark Cavendish, benefiting from his new-found humility after Stage 5, leads Mark Renshaw out to win the sprint on Stage 11. "I thought it was time for a little payback, after all he's done for me," the Manx Missile explained. "Besides, he's been acting really cranky on the team bus lately. If we didn't shake things up for him, he could develop some anger management issues."
   
   
6. Frank Schleck does not crash, and is thus able to help Andy up the Tourmalet. Contador still hangs in, slaps Andy, yadda-yadda, but Frank is there to keep Daniel Navarro from wading in.
   
   
7. Tyler Farrar does not crash, and finally manages to win a stage. The fact that there is a minor pile-up including Cavendish, Thor Hushovd, and Alessandro Petacchi 200 meters from the line does not detract from his joy on the podium. He cashes in on his new-found fame by launching a line of Tyler Farrar hair product.
   
   
8. Christian Vande Velde does not crash, and manages to finish eighth overall. Since this is the same as he finished last year, America responds with a resounding "Meh." Sales of Garmin Edge 305 bicycle computers increase, primarily due to the fact that cycling Freds world-wide love numbers that they can spin in ways to make their performance appear to improve year-over-year. Garmin's marketing department claims the increased sales are a direct result of the team's sponsorship. Garmin renews the team's contract, thus ensuring another three years of eighth-place GC finishes.
   
   
9. Craig Hummer is replaced by Holly from VeloCenter. Although slightly less knowledgeable about professional cycling than Craig (surprising many, who thought that such a level of comprehension not possible for a "sentient" being), she is obviously more decorative. Phil Liggett's hormones, long assumed by many to have dried up and blown away in the South African desert, wreak such havoc on his mental processes that he only refers to Damiano Cunego as "The Little Prince" 50 times during Stage 9.
   
   
10. Johan Bruyneel changes tactics two days into the race, focusing the team's work around getting Chris Horner into the yellow jersey. "Hey, I'm too old for this crap anyway," says Lance Armstrong. Levi Leipheimer adds, "Yeah, and I probably should never have moved up from a Cat 2." Horner finishes the race in third place, and then announces his retirement. "I'm the Radio Shack guy that's smart enough to go out on top," he says in the press conference announcing his new position as the President of the Hair Club for Men.