You Know What They Say ...

Ask anybody that knows me, and they will tell you that I am one sick, sick puppy.

Basically, my head doesn't work the same as other people's does. And not just because I can remove it from my neck and carry it like a football, cradled in the crux of my arm ... dodging tackles left and right as I sprint for the goal posts, off of which I then noisily bounce.

See what I mean?

Bearing my peculiar mind in mind, I decided today to give you a glimpse into my so-called mental faculties (none of which has tenure). The most obvious way -- to me, at least -- is to play with you a sort of Rorschach test with cliches. Instead of showing you inkblot pictures (all of the ones that I've seen show vampire spiders on bicycles), I'm going to give you a cliche, and then tell you what comes to mind when I hear it.

Note that this ride is not for expectorating mothers or over-age children. You must be as tall as my hand ... but I have very long fingers, so my hand is eight feet tall.

Cliche 1: "I don't like to brag, but ..."

Whenever I say this, I do it this way: "I don't like to brag, but I do like to restate things that sort of happened, spinning the facts in such a way that I seem like a really awesome guy." Halfway through that, the listener stops feigning interest.

Cliche 2: "There's more than one way to skin a cat."

To which I always add, "but I've only discovered three so far that keep my arm from getting clawed to shreds."

Cliche 3: "To tell the truth ..."

No, lie to me instead. Most people use this as the opening gambit into a phrase that either says, "I wasn't being honest with you earlier" or "I'm now going to say something that will probably hurt your feelings."

A close relative to this phrase is "To be completely honest ..." I always thought you were being honest or you weren't -- On or Off. Apparently, there's a dimmer switch on honesty.

Cliche 4: "Bless your heart."

Southerners -- particularly southern women -- can say anything hurtful, and then follow up with, "Bless his/her heart." It's verbal Bactine that they spray over potentially scorched feelings. "She would put her new grand-baby in a pie if that would win her the church cooking contest. Bless her heart."

Cliche 5: "You know what happens when you assume ..."

We've all had someone lay this on us. "I assumed that you were going to pick up the pizza, since it's on your way home." "Well, you know what happens when you assume: You make an Ass out of U and Me."

Side-splitting laughter ensues ... well, maybe not so much. But the person spelling "assume" inevitably is giving this sage nod, has a supercilious look on his/her face, and may have his/her index finger extended. You just want to bite that finger so badly you can taste it (and it won't taste good ... believe me).

Here's something that's more fun. When they pause after saying, "you know what happens when you assume," you step in with the following: "Why, yes! You extrapolate a logical conclusion based on the available evidence. And the logical conclusion that I came up with was that you would pick up the freaking pizza since you drove right past the restaurant!"

This will, of course, start an argument, not the least of which will be fueled by the fact that you cruelly denied your opponent a chance to call you an Ass. Take solace in this little victory because -- ultimately -- when all is said and done, you're still going to be stuck eating cold pizza.

Cliche 6: "Well, that's all we have time for ..."

Actually, that is. If you've got some of your own, post them in the Comments section.