Yes, it's me. Your hero, Max Watzz.
I know you've missed me -- who wouldn't? I mean, I'm around me all the time and sometimes I can't get enough of me. There are times that I like to wear that dorky little mirror that RandoBore rides with on his glasses, but rather than aim it at traffic behind me while biking, turn it so that I am always looking at the thing that I find most beautiful in the world. I won't even make you guess what that thing is, because I know, in your heart of hearts, you think that it's the most beautiful thing, too.
You can't say "Me" without "Mmmmmm."
I proved it again, Saturday, by repeating my victory in the Tennessee State Time Trials. Once again, I was the fastest thing out there ... although, for some reason, they only gave me the medal in my division, Cat 5. Although the other so-called "racers" out there constantly disagree with me, I know that the higher one's Category, the more special you are.
And I am special.
Here's the results. As usual, they got my name wrong -- who is this Robert fellow, anyway?
And here I am, standing in my rightful place, atop the podium.
I must insist on a higher podium next year, as befitting my stature. There should also be French models giving me lions and that kind of thing. They could give me a real lion, too -- I would strike fear into its heart. I would make it meow like a kitten.
I am the king of beasts.